Being in control is a national obsession and we see it in the trillions of dollars spent to keep America “on top” of the world power structure, to dominate other countries with 1,200 international military bases and to play badly with those who challenge this hegemony.

Being a super power has distorted the use of power and this has bled into the general culture, aided by the presence of 25 million veterans and current military, all trained to control, dominate and have their way as the definition of “winning”. As an adjunct to this is a cultural definition that says winning equals “I get what I want” versus “ we get what we want together”.

Control is seen as the person being on top and it is rarely recognized that this form of control is so often the expression fear: of losing control. Whereas real control is also having the choice to lead or follow, to not have to win at all costs, to be able to turn the other cheek and walk away, or to forgive and let it go.

Brought to the personal level I was regularly shocked by people telling me what I “had” to do or “should” do. The dreaded 5 controllers appeared more than I had ever seen anywhere else: should, shouldn’t, must, mustn’t and can’t. Now if someone wants to use these controllers in their own judgement system towards themselves, well, that is their choice in their life.

But when others applied them to me, telling me what I should, shouldn’t, must, mustn’t and can’t do, I took umbrage. The problem I encountered though was that usually people had no idea what I was objecting to or commenting on, because the behavior of controlling others is so common it is invisible to the natives, just as bowing is to a Japanese, or self-deprecating is to an Australian.

“Some people’s idea of free speech

is that they are feee to say what they like,

but off anyone says anything back,

that is an outrage.” - Sir Winston Churchill

Which raises an interesting point: I have read numerous articles in America, including on Linkedin, stating baldly that self-deprecation is a sign of personal weakness, and never to be done (“You shouldn’t do it”). Yet in Australia it is a common source of humor. It takes both self-awareness and humor to be self-deprecating, an acceptance of one’s faults and weaknesses, and humor about our humanity. In America it is scorned because controllers, winners, can never show so-called “weakness”. It must be denied and suppressed, usually by and from the controller themselves!

So controlling of others is a transparent trait of this culture. I have had relative strangers tell me I what I should do or not do, or change, completely uninvited, of their own accord. The very fact that this can and does so often happen points to other common practices and beliefs here.

The first is the assumption that we are all the same, that one size fits all, that we are trying to have perfect union. There is great lack of respect for differences, so we hear the Colonel in “Full Metal Jacket” declare that “inside every gook is an American trying to get out.” The belief is that our way of life is the best in the world and so we have the god-given right and burden of “exporting Democracy” (as if we had a democracy here to export!) and “American values.”

So to control others we must assume the we know best, and further, have the right to impose our way on them. One incredibly destructive result of this is over a million Americans in prison for non-violent drug “crimes” where the controllers claim the right to determine what you, as a supposedly responsible citizen, can and can’t do with your own body.

The next aspect of the culture that goes hand in hand with this is that America as a nation and many if not most Americans have appalling personal boundaries. The nation is forever invading other countries, militarily, economically and through corporate control mostly on the basis of fears that they will invade us!

We see regular scare tactics that China is increasing military spending but it is rarely pointed out that China’s entire military budget is about the same as that of the CIA! We justify invading Iraq because Saddam is getting ready to nuke us, and we invade Afghanistan to get Osama for ‘invading’ us and ignore that the Taliban offered to hand him over to us before the war began!

“The purpose of religion

is to control yourself,

not to criticize others.” - The Dalai Lama

Again this approach bleeds through the culture, so that every time a controller tells someone how to live, or what choices they should or can’t make, they are invading that person’s boundaries, their right to determine the best path and choices for their own life. After all if I make you do what I do then you become a clone of me and I have nothing to fear from what else you might do that I can’t control!

All of this has disastrous results internationally for America and equally disastrous results for Americans’ personal relationships which so often are war zones of control, right down to the ongoing battle of the toilet seat - a sad and farcical example of the bitterness that gets engendered by the need to win, based on having been so disempowered in life and “losing” so often.

The breakthrough solution to this endemic problem is to give to others the same rights that one claims for oneself. Controllers are most unhappy when someone tells them how to live, and need to realize that that is universal! (Unless in a chosen submissive situation like the military.)

To realize that every one of us is on a different path, with different lessons, challenges, expertise, knowledge and most importantly the right to free choice, and that also means the right to make mistakes and learn from them!

When we all respect that for others and demand that others respect it for us we are well on the way to having healthy adult relationships of sharing - experiences, knowledge, perspectives and more. We are also ending parent-child relationships of “do as I say.” They are a stage of development that some adults never leave and they to have that right, to stay in that destructive space, and there will be people who need to be abused who will let the controllers abuse them.

Others will move on to more responsible adult forms of relationship based on respect and personal responsibility for choices. Birds of a feather will flock together. I for one will enjoy the world much more as more countries and individuals make that leap into adulthood and begin to trust their chosen path and those of others just as much.

-Gregory Charles